Project 365 - Day 117

As expected I am still feeling disgusting and now the girls are too. And I say as expected, because that's what happens when mom gets sick.

Being in this situation makes me see things in a different light. This place I love so much, SC, is just a place now ... nothing more. It feels just like any other place that is far from help from loved ones.

Every now and then a woman will stop me when I'm out and about with the girls. She will tell me about her children, when things seemed impossible for her, when she worried that life would never be enjoyable again ... that this was it for her. Some have shared some real heartfelt stories with me. It feels amazing to know that some woman don't just understand, they know, they lived it. Those women come to mind at times like these. They of course were women like me. Multiple children, stay at home moms, with husbands who spent most of their time making the world a better place. But they noticed me and took time out of their day to tell me a little something about how things were for them, and how they are now.

I'm sure that in a day or 10, I will have a better attitude again. But I hope to make it through all of this like those women have. And maybe someday I will see a mom of young children, a mom struggling to do it all. I hope to be brave enough to share some of these awful times to make her feel less like I feel right now, completely out of my mind.

Also, I hope that I am allowed to be overwhelmed and sick ... physically, at times of my life. I'm not always in the depths of despair or lost in depression.



Project 365 - Day 116

The girls pouting by our front door.

Sometimes we don't leave the house just because it is such an event. One of the two is always unhappy with something. The shoes she is wearing, the way I did her hair, the toy I wont allow her to bring with us, the show she wanted to watch, why do I have to wait to get in the car before I can drink my juice, blah blah blah.

Then there is the acutal leaving. They are scared of bugs on the walk from the house to the car (maybe ... just maybe my falut:), LOOK .. the moon, LOOK ... a flower, MOMMY pleeeease can I wear my blue socks (one last attempt at wearing socks that are dirty).

Finally the car seats. Anne ... IM STUCK!!! Isabella ... Can I have my pony, can I have my baby, the dolly wants to sit next to me, can I have my blanket.

Then putitng in my hatchback the appropriate stroller or removing a stroller for room.

Finally on the road, and I'm ready to take a nap:)

Spiderman Cake

The original plan for this cake was to be cupcakes. Then the order was changed to a cake. So I thought I would take the same idea and make it a cake. I then ordered a spiderman topper online. But instead of receiving the cake topper, I received the cupcake toppers. Then I thought, let me try to make a spiderman out of royal icing like I did with my Halloween castle. And it worked out great. He did need some repairing, but overall I think he's hot:) As for the actual decorating of the cake, I could have done so much better. But that's the point of this. Keep making things in hopes to get much better.

Now I realize, that I can do this for any cake really. As long as I have a picture, I can do the best I can to make it out of royal icing.

Project 365 - Day 115

Being sick sucks! Being a mom of two toddlers and being sick just adds to the fun.

Oh how I miss the days where I would tell my Mom I was sick. She would tell me to go back to bed and then care for me. Now I have (thankfully) two healthy toddlers who could not care less that my patience is low. They are following me around like little lost puppies. Very cute ones though of course.

I am getting better at handling my world while sick, but I will never be great at it. Rob can do it. He can continue on with fevers that would put me in a hospital.

Oh well, it is what it is. Thank the Lord for over the counter drugs.

Project 365 - Day 114

This is Vern. Vern has been with me and Rob since we were married. That is a huge statement, being that plants can not stay alive in our home.

Either a cat kills it, a dog kills it, a child kills it, a move kills it, or I get the flu and forget to care for them for a week (that only happened once:). No matter what the reason is, a plant comes into my home ... it dies.

But not Vern. Vern started at the barracks with Rob at Bragg, I don't even want to know what he went through there! Then he came to live with us. He then got this planter being that he was in something scary. Then he grew huge so I moved him to a hanging planter. Then he got small again, so he's back into his second planter.

He's not looking his best, but he's Vern ... so he'll be fine. Vern is part of our family;)

Project 365 - Day 113

I am thankful for many many things in my life. But today I am most thankful for delivery pizza;) Honestly, how did people manage before it? I messed up dinner tonight, and on top of it, I'm not feeling well. But no worries, pizza on speed dial;)

Project 365 - 112

It's no big news that I disappoint easily. I have an awful habit of having, what most would consider, high expectations. Of course I don't believe they are high. For the basics, I expect people to be good, act their age, treat others as they would want to be treated ... expectations along those lines. At times in my life, well really in everyone, more than usual I am being disappointed.

I still like to believe that people have good intentions, they just get off track somehow. Maybe they aren't fortunate enough to have loved ones to help them back to the good, maybe they have experienced something that is making them temporarily negative, maybe they are still young or haven't had many experiences that have forced them to start growing up yet, maybe they have found a friend or a habit that is bringing them down. The possibilities are endless. As unfortunate as all of those reasons may be, it doesn't stop the bad from coming out and it doesn't stop the hurt that is caused from it.

Today is a bit of a bummer. Sunday's are usually uplifting for me. But this Sunday, though it is not a bad day, is another reminder to me of all the truly bad things happening around me. It honestly emotionally overwhelms me.

Of course now I am left with the question of what do I do about it. Do I remove all of this from my life and find the good again somewhere else. Do I do nothing, and just push through in my current situation. Do I attempt to do something about it and help make a change (change which may not be mine to help with). Ugh.

So for now a call to my Mom to complain a bit, a prayer, and a nice glass of wine to temporarily wash away all this nonsense.

Project 365 - Day 111

As I have mentioned before, I love getting this photo with Rob and his girls each birthday that passes. I love my family, and I am so thankful that we have been able to spend every birthday just as that, a family.

We love our first born, Isabella. She has been nothing but a blessing. The world is a better place thanks to us;)

Project 365 - Day 110

Hallways freak me out for two reasons. One, when I am feeling as if I have been taken captive by my own home, the walls in the slim long hallway always feel as if they are moving in on me. Two, horror movies ... of course.

Rob spends a lot of time away from home. And thanks to all of the scary movies I grew up watching, when I hear a scary noise ... I go looking for it. When this happens, it always works out that all the doors are closed in my hallway. As if it wants to create an extra dramatic spooky scene with me nervously opening door by door, each door getting a little more anxious than the last.

Lucky for me, unlike scary movies, the sound is usually a trapped Arnie instead of a masked killer;)

Project 365 - Day 109

Today I existed. That's all I had the energy to do, was to exist. I moved around in my space. I did a lot, but not much got done. I did a lot of thinking, but had no real thoughts. I had no real connections and no real disconnections. To understand the sense of this space you had to have been there yourself. The small things in my view have very little meaning. It's the big things that make or break my mentality. I don't like just existing. But as long as those walls don't start closing in on me, I know the day will be fine. It just wont be very successful. But also, not unsuccessful.

Project 365 - Day 108

Day By Day - Godspell

Day by day
Day by day
Oh Dear Lord
Three things I pray
To see thee more clearly
Love thee more dearly
Follow thee more nearly
Day by day

Project 365 - Day 107

I am truly blessed. Through all that I have been through, though I may have felt alone, I never really was. I have God, my most incredible and endearing husband, my beautiful daughters (though they may not always understand the world around them, they have such loving hearts), my family, my dearest and closest friends, my new friends, even at times my friends of friends. The list just goes on and on. I may not often be understood, but I am defiantly not alone. Yes, I am truly blessed.

The Great Outdoors

The great outdoors ... more like our very messy backyard.

Instead of making a big mess by digging through our arts & crafts drawers looking for something to do, I thought, let's go find some new things to craft with ... for free:) So, I put the girls jackets on and we went out back. Something I rarely do being that me and the great outdoors don't really see eye to eye.

I gave each one of my daughters a bag and told them to go at it. They really had a great time looking for things to craft with. And to my pleasant surprise, they didn't bring in anything that was once alive or worse.







After all the time we had spent outside, our hours for fun were becoming limited. So I needed a craft that wasn't too complex. So I decided to try painting the pine cones. I pained mine red and the girls painted theirs green. Then I got really daring and brought out the glitter. I sprinkled mine with silver, my two year old Anne sprinkled hers with purple, and my three year old glitter freak ... Isabella threw handfuls of red on hers.

Did I avoid an arts & crafts mess? No ... especially since glitter was involved. But we had a great time. I'm looking forward to figuring out what to do with the rest of our fall collection.

Isabella's Cupcakes

As you may have already read, my now three year old daughter just had a birthday. We wont be able to celebrate until this coming weekend so she is having to wait for the cake. And anyone from my side of the family and people like us understand, waiting for cake is no easy task. So she requested cupcakes. How could I turn that down? She asked for pink, zebra, and her favorite color (orange). So that's what she got. I just love this age so much. She adored these cupcakes, as if I had taken them right out of a Martha Stewart spread. She oooo'd and ahhhhh'd and thanked me over and over. 

As for this little guy, I thought I would attempt a zebra cupcake. This is the result I got. I am now confident in my cow, sheep, and pig making abilities. Zebras though ... not so much. When presented to Isabella, she smiled, asked what it was, took a bite out of his nose, put him down and took off. I think that means she liked it:)

Project 365 - Day 106

Earlier today I was feeling down. My house seems to consist of nothing but crying children, crazy pets, laundry, dishes, laundry, and more crying children at times (and by at times I mean a lot a lot of times). I wanted to get out, but wasn't up to going out. So I put the girls jackets on and took them, and the crazy pets, out back. What a genius idea. It didn't fix the laundry (if anything it added to that problem), or the dishes. But it sure helped with the crying children and crazy pets.

We spent our time cleaning up some. Then I found a dead cockroach, and yes I mean cockroach and not palmetto bug:) So, that ended the cleaning of the yard. Then we moved on to finding nature to make crafts with. We found three bags full of fun things. Pine cones, sticks, acorns, rocks, berries, and one or two unidentifiable objects:)

When our outside time had to come to an end, Isabella begged to stay out while Anne screamed to the top of her lungs over a fly. So, we were right back to where we started. But, the time together that was spent without the whining and the tears, was wonderful.

Project 365 - Day 105

Today was my sweet Isabella's third birthday. We were not able to celebrate her birthday today and we will not be able to for near a week. I didn't think that it would bother me, she's only three. But it did ... a bit. Lucky for me though, we have the best church known to man kind. We were at church from about 10:45 - 5:00. Thanks to our Vive family, Isabella didn't feel like anything was missing. And really, there wasn't (other than Rob who was dreadfully sick). What matters to me, is that she knew she is loved and cherished. And after today, she knows that even more than yesterday. She still got to have a dinner of her choice, a movie of her choice, and some presents from our friends. And lucky little girl still gets a party next week. If we were in a different place, with different people, this day may have been no different than the day before. But it was, because we are in the right place with the right people.

Project 365 - Day 104

Some days I give up on wishing I had a clean house and quiet children. Instead, I just clear one spot, a spot that will be in my view often that day, and I make it pretty. Today I did this by placing one of my roses on my kitchen counter. That one spot of my house is perfectly clean and pretty. As for quiet, not so much I can do about that. Well, at least nothing legal. But the sight of the flower is peaceful, and that helps ... kind of;)

Project 365 - Day 103

Fall is so Beautiful

Project 365 - Day 102

I love seals and sea lions!!!

I chose this figurine to represent my love for seals and sea lions being that this picture shows a figurine made up of the best two animals ever made. It is neither seal nor sea lion, therefore it is both seal and sea lion. A seal lion;) 



Project 365 - Day 101

Buddrick Von Brown Bear aka Buddy is back at it. Lifting the leg and letting go ... everywhere! We don't have a clue how to fix this problem and I am on my very last nerve left in my body on this subject. So, he is now in a diaper. For real for real.

Not only does this silly looking diaper keep him from ruining what is left of our home, but it makes it a bit more difficult to be infuriated with him being he looks so dopey.

Just another day in the life of the Bigda's;)

Project 365 - Day 100

Family Night

Family Night = Pizza and a Movie

I always wanted to have a family night, the same day, each week. But obviously that doesn't work out. Between Rob's job, the girls, all of our obligations, and even the pets, we are lucky to spend any time as a family by the end of each day. But tonight, we pulled it off. Pizza (and salad), and Rio.

I got lots of cuddle time with everyone. Now the girls are in bed and I get some more cuddle time with my Snooks:)

Same time next week? ;)



Project 365 - Day 99

Happy Halloween!

I really do love Halloween. Not just the day, the "season". It makes me sad that Halloween is on it's way out, but I do understand it. I understand it for the reasoning of it being too dangerous to go door to door anymore. I love that I am in a place where we are able to allow our daughters the experience of trick or treating. It's amazing at how such a young age, they truly are in love with the entire process. Not just the eating the candy ... though that part of course is their favorite. They loved dressing up, they loved being with Mommy, Daddy, and friends. They even asked about extended family and friends that don't live near by. I guess the Halloween spirit brought out the love in them:) They loved walking around, going door to door, saying their lines (trick or treat, thank you, happy Halloween), they loved seeing the other children (the few we saw), they loved carrying their own bags (mostly Anne), they even loved being scared a little here and there, and then of course the eating of the candy.

What really bums me is the unnecessary reasons for Halloween coming to a close. Very few were walking but us. Every one was driving their children door to door. Really? We can't get out and walk a few blocks anymore? Some children weren't even dressed up. They just had on every day clothes. And this big issue of Christianity and Halloween. I never once questioned the "dark" meaning behind Halloween as a child. Why do we feel the need to turn innocent fun into a complex situation?

I know this holiday can't last forever. But I hope we can hold on to the Halloween that I grew up with for a bit longer. If not, it will just be a story that will embarrass my children in the future;)

Project 365 - Day 98

Today was so awful! My depression was so deep today, it was a challenge, to say the least, to survive the day. What brought on my depression in general, is a part of mother nature that no one wants to read about in a blog. What brought it on this day, lonely, the feeling of being completely and utterly alone. The feeling of loneliness then brings on feelings of being overwhelmed, feeling unsafe, feeling out of control. What I would give to have a connection in these times. 

Why is the depression so harsh one day more than the next, I'm not sure. It's as if since experiencing my depression, I had let something evil in. Since getting off of my medication I had not experienced any real depression until this past week. This week is proof that through times when my body is changing, I will still need to face this demon. I'm not sure what the future is going to bring for me, and quite honestly, I'm not in the mood to be overly positive about it.

I do wish I had someone near my life to share this with. Someone that I didn't have to waste my energy trying to explain this to. It's sad to have the people you love and share so much with, feel so foreign to you when it feels most urgent.  

The idea of this picture is to show the good, if not to you ... than to me. I couldn't love these girls more if I tried. I fear one of them will have to face my demon some day. I hope that fear is enough to drive me to beat this, 100%, before it clings on to one of them.

Project 365 - Day 97

We went to the fall festival today to find an empty barn and some carnival rides. Our trip was short lived, but enjoyable non the less. We got to spend a little time in the fall air and the girls got to ride one scary carnival ride. I have never been a fan of carnivals. But the older I get, I like having something different to do, and I try to find the better things to look at and experience. I don't find the rides to be one of the better qualities. I like the hay rides, seeing the barn animals (if well cared for), and the random event such as a train ride or a band playing.                 There really was no such event this day. But there were these really pretty old paintings on a barn. This one looks as if it could be a cow or a zebra. But it was a barn, so it's a cow, though some may disagree ... Rob;)

Project 365 - Day 96

During our day trips to the zoo, I don't get to see the zebra's much. They are always off in the distance. But tonight at Boo at the Zoo, they were up close and personal. Such an amazing creature! I could have stood there for hours just in awe. I have never had the honor of being so near a zebra before today. It took all of me to not jump over the wooden fence and just give her a big hug:) 

Project 365 - Day 95

I love tattoos.I don't love every one's tattoos. But I love the idea of them. These designs show the artwork of our life. Our experiences, who we are, were, or who we hope to become. I hope for my tattoos to tell the story of my life. My love for God, my family, the things that bring me joy and peace, and maybe someday unfortunately even my hurt. Not every one out there will see my tattoos as I do (and will). But I believe that those that share an emotional connection with me will.

Also, you can't love tattoos without loving Shavon, my new and now only tattoo artist. She is a true artist from the person she is to the work that is done with her hands. It is an honor just to spend time with her. She is the type of personality that defines interesting.

http://purplelotusbodyart.com/

Project 365 - Day 94

Ice cream for being such a brave girl. Isabella had some tests done to her eye today that were pretty scary. And she did an amazing job. Better than most adults would have done. And Anne, she would have had to been drugged first. But not my brave Isa. She just got it done. Her biggest complaint was the tests were boring. So she got to choose what she wanted as a treat for being so brave and well behaved. She asked for ice cream. That's my girl (except I would have gotten something with chocolate or peanut butter). Isn't it a shame that as we grow older, treats for good behavior become less and less;) One of the doctors at the hospital told Isabella that next time she should ask for a pony. Thankfully he said that after her request was for ice cream was made:)

I love my girls. (I love ice cream too)





Project 365 - Day 93

I have the worst night vision. Unless I know the area well, I can't see to save my life. So lights at night are my friends. The problem with outside lights, is I find them to be tacky. They usually make an area look man made and ugly. They take away, as so much does, from the natural beauty of our environment. But I love these lights. I think they are charming. And being that it's Halloween, I think they have a bit of a spooky feel to them as well. Spoooooky:)

Project 365 - Day 92

Blah for Mondays. I have no reason to dislike Mondays. I don't work. Rob works weekends, so Monday is the same as Saturday. The girls don't go to school. I have nothing planned for Mondays. But for some reason I still hate them. Blah for Mondays. I don't want to talk about today. So instead I took a picture of my wall. I love my wall. I may want a wall like this in every home we live in now. The only problem is Arnie goes up there a lot, my sweet Arnie:), and he knocks some of the frames and makes them crooked. I'm too much of a whimp to go up there and fix them. So they look more abstract than I would like. But I still love my wall:)

Project 365 - Day 91

I am finding that my days are being lived moment by moment. That moment is a good one, or a bad one. Once again, I still, and probably always will, live off of my emotions. Everything that is said or done triggers a feeling that then decides what turn my day will take. At the end of the day I can end up in a daze.

My days aren't steady enough. I'm not yet sure how to change that, or if I can. I am learning that I love things that I can see and smell though. I find it simple to like or dislike an object or subject off of sight or smell. Some of those sights and smells remind me of a time. Every now and then in life I walk out of my front door and the air takes me back to a time of my life, not an event or a moment, just a time. Amazing what just a smell in the fresh air can do.

I can't keep myself surrounded by happy smells being that I live in a zoo;) But I can try to surround myself with happy sights. And one is my curtains. I can remember every place I lived that had curtains that I loved, which btw is a very slim list. But these curtains, I love. They aren't even the curtains I wanted. I had waited possibly months for the store to get in the print I wanted. I finally gave up and bought this print instead. And I'm glad I did:)

Interesting that sounds aren't as simple for me. Maybe it's normal. But a sound, even a song I love, can bring such complex feelings with it. One of the most emotional sounds in my life since I have been with Rob is the birds singing. When I hear birds chirping and singing, it almost always takes me back to when Rob and I were dating and he lived in the barracks. As I would walk back to my car in the wee hours of the morning, the birds beautiful singing and chirping would keep me company. When I hear that sound today I am taken right back to my walk to my car on Gela Street, Fort Bragg. Does that make me crazy? Probably;)